o Castle Forums o
o Email Mittens o
o Ragnarok 2 Log o
It's my birthday tomorrow. I'm as shocked as you are.
-----------------------------------------------------
Got teh 'puter. I was so excited that I had to go buy some dark chocolate, just
to calm my nerves. Of course.. I don't need a reason to buy chocolate, I just
chose to share that.. I'm in a giddy, silly mood even now. Yay, and it has..
WINDOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
I'll be way more comfortable as soon as it's set up. I'm hoping that I can find
my old drive full of music.. been missing Faith no More, been missing At the
Drive-In, been missing PANTERA of all things, even though my Angel frowns on
them.. *giggles* and I need to hear Coelecanth again. One day.. the pond will
have a description. Oh yes, it will. Who knows where it'll be? But I'll write it.
And Morrowind! I'll probably be lost in it for another six months, and I can't
blame me. I long to live there, though it's a xenophobic place.. and where isn't?
Norway? Doubtful. Another planet is where I'd really have to hide, to be content.
Whether imaginary or otherwise.
I've done nothing for anyone but myself over this last month.. hopefully this
new 'puter will give me back the enthusiasm I need to really be able to.. create.
Some more hate. 04
------------------
Been reading back through my site, noticing how much I change my mood, and my
mind, and my circle of friends, and I was just wondering if there was any point
to continuing this torture. Please.. let me know if you read me.. the hotmail
address is broken through neglect, so somehow, you need to find out my real one..
or even better, send me gmail invites.. somehow. I was wondering if I should
try some of that patented antiquated dreambook technology.. so let me know.
I've been thinking about trying to make this place look a little less thrown
together, even though.. well, it's thrown together, so maybe I should get a
a little more interested in this HTML nonsense. I'll start by actually giving
the page a title. Then, who knows? Maybe a sidebar, maybe a guestbook, maybe
some tasteful wallpaper and a better font than this one. I'd be happier with
the place, but I probably won't care to do it unless at least one other person
is reading. Even if that person is only reading because my opinions are so, so
hilariously evil that they can't help but wuv me a littwe bit. <3
Back onto the topic I was originally going to twy and tackwe.. tackle, I've
noticed that I'm still too impressionable.. I'm good at making the right sort
of friends online, but I do tend to drop them quite easily, and move on.
I hate that, but I can't work out how to stop myself from doing it. At some
point, my mind moves onto other things. I know that's terrible and unfortunate,
and really upsetting to some people, but.. I'm like a river, a little, carving
itself out bit by bit.. my currents would be consistent and directed in a void,
but everything I meet becomes an obstacle, my shores and banks, and they lead
me in a direction I didn't consider, every time, and it's always away from that
obstacle.. some people may feel as if I'd born straight through them, and I'm
sad for that, as well.. so, um, to continue this awful analogy, what I really
need is.. a boat? Some ducks? A loch? Um.. a waterfall? A slap? Yes.. the slap
would work, as I'm cleary talking nonsense at this point.. need some sense to
be slapped right back into me. And I wonder why people don't read me.. =P
Even so.. it's so contemptuous to throw good friends away, through abandon
and sheer fickleness, so much so that I can't even explain how it happens, or
even what the trigger is that causes me to move away from people, other than
other diversions. I've caught myself simply ignoring people before.. recently,
and I know I'll do it again.. something in my brain stops me typing, or talking
and I haven't even considered phoning any of my old friends in years. In that
case, there's enough of a gap in time for it to be reasonable, but online.. I
throw people away mere months after I've met them.. in some cases, felt very
true love for them, or as true as I can understand. I've never felt the love
at first sight feeling and I've no idea as to what it could feel like.. mostly
I'm more into people who try to understand me.. which I'm sure is hard enough.
And each time someone truly understanding of me gives me a gift of words, it's
taken away from my personality.. I've said this before, but my Angel tells me
that I'm empathic, and explains how bittersweet that can be, and almost as soon
as it left her lips, I started not to care.. mostly, it's put me onto this path
of complete contempt, of how most people don't care, or are too stupid to care,
but from the bittersweet feeling, I've thrown away the best part and kept the
worst. Bitter.. truly is a good word to describe me, right now. And now.. I
don't see her often enough to really be able to apologize or to make sense of
how these things happen, and even when I do see her.. the words are harder than
they've ever been, and it's truly hard to get as comfortable with her, and I'll
probably never reach that same level with her again. I was faltering, and she
steadied me long enough so that I could walk away.. and I'm sure that I'll fall
at someone else's feet before long.. why on earth am I like this?
That was really hard to say.. it will probably be really hard to read. I really
am truly sorry, for everyone I've ever done this to.. I know I should just keep
my distance from people, and never really let them in to me.. once they're there,
this will always happen. A part of me, a big part, is insecurity.. once I relate
too much, I panic, a little, and start to deny and ignore people.. most of all,
this will only ever happen to those I really love, and that's both tragic, and
a reason for me to never love, so that I don't keep commiting these little evils.
Wow, OKTOBRE 04
---------------
Sort of half-changed my mind on the getting involved in debates, thing. You can
only read so much before you realise that almost no-one can really debate without
resorting to the cheapest of tactics; generalizations and the twisting of words, all
the way to the point of irrelevancy.. and when people are willing to miscontrue
other people's words just to score a few perceived points.. I just don't want to
be a part of that. I thought it'd be a haven for intelligence and respect, but I
forgot what the human race was like. Again. Ironically, I know I'd be just as
guilty of it as them, at times, and that's another reason why I'd rather avoid
the whole thing; every time I drag myself down to that level I regret it, and
taunt myself with it for far longer than I really deserve. A mistake's a mistake,
and not really something to dwell on, but putting yourself in a position to make
such mistakes is rarely wise. I'm certain of that. Seems unadventurous, hee.
That is a really dry paragraph and I totally apologize for it. I'm young! =P
My hatred is still growing, quickly; boiling inside, almost upwelling, almost
threatening to erupt just like those volcanoes that I was hoping would cause
a lot of devastation, but so far haven't. Hee.. I hope no humans that read this
are ever offended by my complete and utter disdain for them; individuals can
always avoid my wrath simply by proving themselves to not be a complete troll.
Yet from reading other people's opinions, sometimes I feel that I'm far more
tolerant than the majority of people, even though I secretly want them to all
die in some terrible accident all at the same time. Some don't take the time to
consider things from anyone elses point of view; my personal method is to credit
people for having differing opinions, but then not to care. Some people aren't
even willing to give it that much thought. It might be the whole "You're either
with me, or against me!" stance that surfaced after those pretty explosions,
but anyone can see that it runs far beyond that into history, and how we all
are, and how we're possessive of our opinions and conscious our fear of being
wrong.. and the worst thing, I think, is that people willingly forget how they
all feel and think; unless it's more than that.. perhaps humans actually enjoy
taking calculating shots at each other, just to get a reaction, just to see the
tears and to lock horns.. perhaps they have just as much hatred as I do, or
perhaps it's simply instinct; to save face, one must turn a debate into a fight?
I can believe that. No-one gets away from any argument without a little damage
to their ego, temporary or otherwise.. yet almost no-one tempers that, the sheer
unwillingness to be proven wrong in most of the dumb species is such an ugly trait,
pathetic and unenlightened, determined to be right first time and to be considered
some sort of savant.. if aliens landed and told us the truth about everything,
you just know the majority of us would fight them, resist their teachings and
probably disappoint them by resorting to personal attacks, against both form and
reputation - Never trust a man with large gray oval eyes! They're not from here;
they wouldn't understand! USA! USA! - that they'd leave us to fend for our sad,
misguided selves, or preferably blow us to bits to remove a little ignorance
from the universe.. and I hope it would tip the scales. As I said.. temperance
and enlightenment - what humans lack, and what is necessary to be considered
great. My opinions only. But Earth, y'know.. think Golgafrincham. Hee..
More of September 04
--------------------
I hate September.
Ooh, who cares, though? Did a little testing of a card game I'd been thinking
out with the help of my brother. It was hideously broken, but, hee, so was Beta.
It's plenty of fun, and the playtest names of all the cards are hilariously..
dumb. I'd post a list to the rules and spoiler, but I might want to read about
patenting and protecting intellectual property first. Sowwwwy.
Meant to go to some sort of Anxiety group help.. thing.. type.. thing. Ok, I'll
be honest, I didn't read the letter all the way through. The first appointment is
Monday, and that might be too soon to prepare for. Plus.. you know how I feel
about anxiety, it's just scratching my surface to try and alleviate that. Hee.
*scratches*
I've been spending plenty of time floating in cyberspace lately, heee, and reading
the opinions of those more eloquent and wise than me. Politics can be a great
source of intelligent conversation, as can games.. trying to soak it all in.
I think I've stated before that I hurt my ideas by not being able to express
them properly. I'm sure it's *just* adorable the way I stumble over everything
and take hours to find a point, and before long become irrational and lose sight
of what I was saying, but I'd rather I stopped doing it. It's too much of a human
trait, and one I definetly want to shrug off. Sometimes I think it's on purpose-
I taught myself keyboard even though I could have taken lessons, and that's a
great way of expressing myself - but at the same time, it's all too obvious that
I simply don't have the mental strength or social experience to really be all
that fluent about anything. Even talking about games, I stumble, and I hate that.
I may try joining in on a few more sensible forums.. I'm wary as I may miss the
point, or embarrass myself, but I think I should. It probably seems absurd to
someone outside that this would even be a big thing for me, but if I can find
the ability to intelligently and clearly express myself in one medium, then
just maybe that might transition to a more social medium. Or, hell, it might
diminish those modest talents even further. Either way, I'd like to feel a
little more steady in my opinions, and learn how to debate rather than back
down from my positions as I have done in the past. *sighs* I wish I was the
sort of person who could naturally be good at this. All I have is my mind, or
mostly all, and it's almost criminal that I can't even channel that usefully.
So.. yes. I'm not depressed though; far from it. Been reading so much information
so quickly that I've sort of floated outside of myself, to a point where I don't
know whether I'm depressed because I'm not actually inside of my own head. Hee.
All for now. Trying to say more with less starts here. Wish me luck.
GAAAAAAAAAAH
x----------x
I wish I could at least rely on computers. Perhaps I shouldn't torture them.
I'm sure that my terribleness with Linux hurts my computer's brain, and if it's
anything like me, then it find it hard to tolerate my stupidity. Or.. it could
just be that I've left it on for something like five months and it's doing that
old, familiar capacitory explode-y trick. I never learn, heeeeeee...
At least I had time to warn people this time. Glad of that.
Need this when I get back, although who knows if it'll actually
still be there by then? I think I'll be able to remember my passwords and..
maybe not the usernames. Paloma, or Elepompom for everything. Simple enough.
No way am I coming back until I have some version of Windows or so. It drives
me nuts... ATGIHREVBYHBVUIEHOUbFEbIFBE AHTEHAHTEHAHTEHATE like that, or so..
overnight compiling of a simple set of libraries, followed by a brief install
and nothing else I want to configure even recognizes that I've installed those
libraries?!?! I'm glad they made it so easy and intuitve to us. Oh wait, no.
caaaaaaalm HUIOEHAGFUBEUIV IAJPIHEICO AOPJ BAHGATHEHATEHATE HGA. At least I'll
be able to access all my old music when I get back with a WINDOWS computer.
Such hate for needlessly complicated things. It seems to be the operating system
equivalent of Everquest. At least one person will giggle at that reference, if
anyone actually still reads me. Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh.
I might be able to check my emails, so if you need to contact me, do that. Maybe
I'll need to contact you. My hotmail doesn't work.. hee, neglect.. but if you're
anybody, you know my proper address anyway. No offense intended if you aren't
anybody. What else? What else. Oh yeah.
I'm psychic and I have good timing.. managed to sign up for whatever fake job-
seeking benefit it was called, so I have money to buy bits, if neccessary, or
chocolate and Magic cards, much more likelily. Oh, and as for.. tee hee.. then
if it's not off the ground by the time I return I have the feeling I'm going to
be really, really disappointed. My lizardies are just wagging their tails and
waiting for their moment, don't let them down. Think of the childwen.
Love to those few; hate to everyone else.
Septemb0rz
----------
Although, if I did press the "Kill all Humans" button, no-one would update their
websites, and I'd simply have nothing to read. That wouldn't do, not at all.
In the process of installing a load of Lunix libraries. God.. it's terrible.
I can't work out how this thing is better than Windows, even though I know about
Windows = Starbucks = McDonalds = ITV etc.. in this case, I'm willing to give
the nod to the popular, most widespread operating system. Because it's better than Lunix. =P
Moving on.. it's nice to be on so many different muds and IRC channels, because
there's always going to be one window with traffic, which is nice, because quite
honestly I'll read any old nonsense.. but every time I join another, I find myself
volunteering to do things. I have ideas enough to fill the internet a second time,
but there are limits to my willingness, and the creative window doesn't open every day.
I should cut back to one. Tee hee. I'm sure I'll know soon just how easy a decision
that'll be, but I'm apprehensive. You know, but excited too.. it'll be a challenge,
but one big blank canvas might be an inspiration rather than an obstacle. I'd say.
Oh yeah, and eating is one of those natural functions that won't be denied.
September, still?
-----------------
You know.. I'd never kill an individual, or really even consider causing one
harm.. I'd have to be really angry to lash out, and I'd never premeditate it.
But if there was a button that killed everyone, I'd be the very first to press it.
And I don't feel bad about that. Perhaps it's cause it's an easy way out. No-one
to feel guilty to.. and if I was judged to be human too, then no facilities to
feel guilty with at all. Hee. But I wouldn't press the button that'd kill only
me, either, although that button presents itself in many different ways, from day
to day. I don't really understand why I feel like that, but part of it must be my
anger; I hate human nature. I wouldn't want to douse that anger purposelessly.
Hee. I'm so typecast villain. I will destroy Spira! I will save it!
Going to stop eating from Monday.. see how long that lasts. I've been literally
gorging myself, recently, and my throat wants me to know about it. Funny how I'm
carrying so much acid around and yet it's never expressed it's intentions to be
free, before. I suppose everything should have ambitions.. no, that's a terrible
segue and I shan't use it. Let's try something else instead, shall we?
Found the visual spoiler to the new M:TG set, CHK, today. It's full of terrible
cards that do nothing, or are strictly worse than their predecessors, yet I want
it. The setting is a cynical spin on japanese mythology - hai! daimo! kawaai! - yet
I want it. I hate the way the new mechanics work, and their names, and that they've
changed the BEAUTIFUL legend rule, and there's no walls, and there are too many
legends and most of the art is comic-real.. yet I want it all the more. Sigh.
Time I indulged my other hobbies a little; lately, it's been all mudding, creating
and seducing Implementors. All too easy. I need to organize something in alphabetical
order, I need to dig through archives, I need to compare and contrast, I need to sleeve
and desleeve, and I need to pause to appreciate beauty, too. I've been forgetting
to and it's put me into such a horrible mood. I feel mired and diseased.
Maybe I am diseased? Or ill in some way. My throat has never felt this way, before
and it's not like I've suddenly started eating too much. =P I guessed at cancer
but I don't want to endure a doctor trying to tell me that, especially if it's
not true; I suspect I'd look most disappointed. And I'm no hypochondriac; in
fact I tend to be just the opposite, because most of the time, and this is
important - I just don't care. There's not much that's worth caring about,
and my useless human body certainly isn't getting on to that list. My brain
would, perhaps; but again.. it's distractable and tires easily, and it can be
wrong, and sometimes become heated and irrational. What use is that to me?
..they think anxiety management can help me along in life? I don't want to go
in that direction. I'd rather boil and rage inside; I rather like being tormented,
by many things.. and eventually, I hope to become a silent martyr to whatever.
Hee. Or not. Maybe just silent. If my throat is to collapse then I should sing
less, certainly, and if the only useful person I talk to is myself, then I can
get by on thought alone, there. Hmm. If I did become mute I'd be quite smug about
it, wouldn't I? I never did my best communicating through speaking.. always typing,
and then only to someone who really cares.. although that's not strictly true..
I must confess to the fact that I do occasionally reveal too much about myself,
either by error or by restlessness forcing me to say something bitter or hateful,
usually on an immortal channel. =P There's not many that take my comments to
heart, though.. I'm pretty tragic and as such my opinions are easily discounted.
Ugh, I think that's all. My angel says talk like a Pirate day is
tomorrow, and perhaps I will. Although I always do anyway. Love my angel. I
really should start talking to her again, shouldn't I? Need help on that.
Ok. I'll update more often from now on, and indulge my "mute" thing.
Don't worry. I don't intend to become a mime.
September or so '04
-------------------
Why do I end up ignoring the ones I love?
And not only that. I hide all my good qualities as they're pointed out to me.
My angel tells me that I'm empathic and I immediately shut that off, and become
twice as self-obsessed and exclusive.. reclusive.. as before. She tell me that
I'm my own divine intervention and I feel like I have even less control over
what happens to me.. I tell her that I'm never bored, and suddenly, just like
that, I become tireless. I can't stand it, but there's nothing I can do about it.
Everyone says it's scary to take those first steps in life, but not everyone
can understand that, to me, it's just too scary. I'd rather not dabble. I'm bad
with humans, bad with patience, bad with stupidity, bad with senselessness and
tradition and expectations and demands and ambitions and everything.. everything.
So angry that there's no place for that, no alternative. Everyone's got to pay
their way in this pedantic world, and it'd be greedy of me to think myself above
it, dare to presume to question why things are the way they are, or to hide..
But hide.. I'll continue to hide.
The only thing I really have is this brain of mine. I'm proud of it; it's a good
one. But don't tell me I have potential. What's potential for? I have none of it.
Too full of anger about how wrong everything is.. don't tell me that it's not.
And I'm just not suited to a time or place like this. So when I refer to humans,
don't count me as one of their number, and don't count me as one of their admirers either.
A PROPER UPDATE '04
-------------------
Britain just lost the Olympic badminton final. I cheered. ;)
Been going to see a psychiatrist. Or a mental nurse. Don't know the correct
term. He tells me that I have plenty hidden away inside. I'm sure I know what
he's getting at and I don't think I'll surprise myself. Just, every time I
begin to talk I immediately tear up, and it becomes hard to go into detail in
in fear of breaking down completely. I really hate talking about myself.
Oh, and I wrote this song. I still haven't looked for anything to write midi
files with for Linux, so.. it goes like this:
Bb Bb7 Eb Bmaj7 E6 - Bb -
Eb Bb - Abmaj7 - F6+7 - Eb Ebm
Then I go lalalala over the top of that. Interesting, no?
Ok. So that was silly.
Oh yeah, I got promoted. Seems underwhelming now because I have my mind on
plenty of other things, but it doesn't mean I'm ungrateful. Yay me.
Nothing else to talk about, right now. Been pretty disconnected from everyone
for a while. Hoping to get myself comfortable again, I need my centre most of all.
Oh. And all thoughts of getting a job are totally out of the window.
Hoping I can be declared mentally unfit for work instead, somehow. =P
AN UPDATE. '04
--------------
I keep forgetting to update this place.
Teehee.
Tomorrow Morning, '04
---------------------
I'm in a good mood again. Been helping, listening and entertaining.
Feeling happy around my angel, as well as all my loving friends at
the castle. Maybe it's them who sustain me after all, and not the
Castle itself. Well. Of course it is. But the castle brought us together,
so I love it just as much. Not everyone is as happy with the place as I, though.
Not going to defend or attack the place. It is what it is.
It does seem to be slightly more active when I'm happy and comfortable.
Not saying I'm a beacon. It may well be the other way 'round, and I'm
just easily influenced. One of my favourite people came back today, and
we talked for a little while. Neither of us had forgotten any of the old
jokes, and maybe we discovered a few new ones. Happy to see that she had
learned to love many of the things that I do, especially as I'm tragically
bad at starting conversations on my own. Made me smile, and it carried through.
Real-lifey wise, my back still hurts. I hurt it gardening, made it a lot worse.
I got bitter and started thinking mean thoughts. If I can choose which weeds
to kill, then why not..? Escalated into me writing a little poetry in my head.
And yes. I'd cut down the roses with the weeds. Sorry to say.
Came back and found that sweetest Stasja had been here, listening to my music.
Felt odd, and I had to giggle, as she'd suggested I should write a little poetry
here. I can't recount it now, though. Thinking about it, it was very barbed and
quite despairing. And I wasn't very nice to Darwin. Know there are those who
value the things he said. Obviously I'm not one of them. o.)
That's as much real life stuff as you're getting from me. Still very much hiding
from it. Soon I'll be seeing a counsellor. I've been half-persuaded that it'll be
a good thing, and that I should be open, and try to let them help me.
Of course.. I'm using it as an excuse, naturally. Now everything rests on it, as
is typical of me.. but, if it helps me, then I'm justified.
Hopefully I'll still be me on the other side, if so. Still very wary.
Overall, I'm happy. Things are changing slowly enough for me to keep up with.
Love my angel dearly. Ni ni.
Today '04
---------
Not so much of a bad mood, today. Has to be good.
Know other people have been reading me. They flock to me, try and help me
through things with simple solutions and reassurances. I'm grateful, but they
can see I need more than that. Everyone is equal, they say. Undoubtedly. But
everyone changes too. 'I need to relax.' Of course. But it's hard to relax from
such a tense position. 'I can't worry about disappointing everyone.' But I do.
I'm truely glad that people care, but it's advice that doesn't work on me. I'm
just too deep into being me to be changed by other people's experiences.
Besides. There's nothing so wrong with being how I am.
I'm very anxious and inexperienced of the world, this is true. From what little
I've seen, I'm in no hurry to explore it. Not everyone has to. Trouble is that
everyone expects certain things out of people. A lot of people have natural
enthusiasm, and priorities aligned with success in life and love. Forgive me
if I don't. I've never, and will never place importance on such things. Not
on a high horse here. I enjoy using my brain more, using all my creativity,
and I'd rather be rewarded in gratitude, or the feeling that I've helped someone
much more than money. I know that's no business plan. But I'm not a business.
I can't expect people to have time to understand that. I don't hate them for it.
Nor can I expect to get away without responsibility for much longer. I have nice
ideals, but they are the priorities of someone born rich, and I'm most certainly
not. Got to sustain myself sooner or later. Have to take what I can get, and let
my true feelings out when it's more important. Will be very, very hard.
My angel will be better able to help me through this than I. These hidden words
can only take me so far. But I'm glad I decided to write on a day like today.
Sometimes I become hateful or desperate here, but now I'm unclouded and can write
fairly. If I can keep myself in this mood then that would be a wonderful thing.
A lot later '04
---------------
Aye. So lazy.
A lot's been bugging me as of late, things that I normally would pay little
attention to. And mostly everything is forcing me back inside my shell. I hate
that about myself. I retreat into self-pity, it's so easy.. [/manics]
Been creating too many things at once. Music, card-games, areas, excuses. I'd
much rather focus on one thing at time, but I don't really have the desire to
do that. I always walk away, and find refuge in something else. And the refuge
is always from real life. Of course.
One thing I find myself doing is picking on myself. Unfairly overloading myself
with embarassing memories and reasons to hate. Maybe I think it'll focus me to
break through it all, but I know I'm not like that. Maybe the Manic Street Preachers
really did destroy my life. :p
Damn good music though. I'll give them that.
I finished my stupid area. G'll rip it apart some more but there's probably
plenty of dumb mistakes I've missed. When I was making it, it seemed rather
special and intellectual, but looking back through it, some things seem immature,
and others seem a little cliched. As she says, I hold myself to an impossibly
high standard. Unfairly. Everyone wants to feel superior, but a better word for me..
Never mind that. Not important.
I need the desire to change. Until I have that, everything I write here will be like this.
June Something '04
------------------
This should be a long one. .)
Must mention how I feel for my Angel first. I always say this. It's always
true. She goes through so much every day, uses so much strength and then has
such bad luck, when it should be time to relax, and enjoy herself. It upsets
me. I don't understand all the real-life things, not entirely, but it must be
a huge strain. Now I can see her again, I hope I can help.
Need time to get comfortable again, also. She won't want to read this, but
I know she knows how to read my exact choice of words. If I'm feeling wary
and uncomfortable, she can sense it, and she will try to comfort, reassure
me. Just that sometimes, it makes me feel guilty instead. On top of every
thing else, she has to have such patience with me, and it feels wrong to be
stretching her further still. She'd tell me that she loves me just the way
I am, here. I know that. .) I feel it, intensely.. but, I'm sure she'd love
me just as much if I wasn't so hesitant, if I didn't bite my lip instead of
being brave and saying what I meant, so much. Probably more. Of course more.
For the castle, I've been accomplishing a lot. The updates to the main area
went well, and Zeladee's descriptions are just wonderful. However, a couple
of items that I wrote descriptions for got changed by Grumble.
I say changed. I mean horribly hacked to pieces.
So angry. Understand that it's his mud, even though I live there, but.. he
should trust us. I like to think I'm god with the creative side of things,
and my descriptions are well-written. At least that. He should trust us. At
least he could have let me know, before he changed those things so much. At
least that. I really think he could have kept what I wrote. So angry now.
Makes me feel like writing nothing more. Quitting, and just crying.
In the absence of my angel, I've been taking a lot of things there too seriously,
too personally, and I've been angry and impatient. A lot of that is my usual
intolerance of stupidity.. .) but I've said a few things that a younger pixie
wouldn't dream of saying. My Wyldest said it was since she'd been here. Maybe.
Hope that's not true. Or if it is, then.. she's helping me on. If I'm to be an
angry, bitter, mean person, then I'd rather be that with her help, than to stay
quiet and mild and not have her at all. Perhaps that sounds wrong. It sound wrong.
*laughs*
Love you, Angel.
No talk about real life, today. Until I stop sneezing I refuse to have one.
June 1st ish '04
---------------
Everything's so complicated. How do people cope with so many things at once?
I'm all scared at everything. Had been building a little enthusiasm, and thinking
about finally changing my life. I always forget how desperately dysfunctional I am
when I start to do that. I know I haven't experienced much, but I'm not a blank canvas..
I'm more like torn paper. Nothing looks good on torn paper. It feels like it's not worth
trying.. even though I haven't really tried anything. There's all these wonderful, shiny
incentives out there, and because I've never so much as achieved anything relevant
before, I don't know how to reach them. Sigh. Sigh sigh. And I said wouldn't say these things..
What I'd say here is.. on Monday, I change. I get a schedule, and a regime. I apply
myself non-stop for as long as it takes to turn myself around. rofl
I'm just not like that. I'll continue to be lazy, and to take things for granted, until I have
no choice but to change. Even then, I don't know whether I'd recognize it.
My angel will be disappointed to hear all this.
May 5795 '04
--------------
Gods. I miss my angel. Feeling too bad to continue.
May 5793 '04
--------------
*tries to think of the best way to put this*
Yesterday, my angel broke her wing.
*giggles at that* Poor thing. She doesn't need any more bad luck.
So I'll have to take care of her a little more. Or, I'll think I have to, at least.
She needs it, I'm certain. She expends all her own energy on helping us all
and leaves almost nothing for herself. And.. heehee, recently she's been
helping another who broke their own wing. So, it's my turn. I won't be neglectful.
As for myself.. I have a reprieve. I always have a reprieve, of course, but this
time I have a meaningful one. My parents, symbolically, are giving me a chance
rather than a deadline. It's a big difference, one that I'm happy about. Of course
I still need a job, and I'm still scared to death of that.. but.. I sense that things
might work out now. In my favour. If I come back in two weeks and have
something else to complain about, and I've made no progress, I'll be very
disappointed in myself. Hopefully I'll be able to ride some enthusiasm.
That rare beast.
Excited for the castle. Much changes are happening and I'm glad to be
a part of them. Many of them are subtle, but to some of us, subtle is just
as important, maybe more, than obvious. Zela and I are a good creative
team there, although it needs to be the right environment first. Possibly
one with disco music playing in the background. *grins* Also I sense that
Grumble has a masterplan, which is good because he'll have something to
organize us around. Hopefully he's aware of all our unique talents by now.
That's all for tonight. I should really write more since I've been lazy here, but.. *click*
Another May Something '04
-------------------------
I have a life. I have a life. I have a life.
Maybe not in the conventional sense. No dream of a career or a family, no
particular materialistic urge inside of me, no desire to be famous or clever,
and my only ambition is to make it to Norway. So, when I feel out of place
and uncomfortable, when others choose to talk about real life in my one true
escape, why do I feel so belittled? Is it that silly peer pressure demon, again?
As much as people would like me to fit in, I'm not in anyone's peer group, as
such. I like to think that I can dismiss jealousy, too.. but I'm sure it's always
present, even then. When my love joins in with them, I feel an emptiness that's
very hard to explain, or fill. I hate feeling so frustrated, especially when it's so
inexplicable. Still. I suppose that's what everyone hates, no?
Pyros would have been proud of what I deleted. Tough. I don't need those words.
It occurs to me that I must make them all feel very awkward. I'm sorry for
that. Some try to console me, in their own unique ways, but it really just makes
me feel a little more guilty. Perhaps I secretly long for a more normal life.
Or more likely, perhaps I long to be able to express these feelings without
this place. When I say that I'm scared of dogs, or that I don't drink, plenty
of people wonder if I'm mad. It puts me in defensive, stuttering, apologetic
mode, and that never helps my case. They probably just want to talk about it.
I don't. Can't people just accept these things? I'm done for today. Thanks, love.
May Something '04
------------------
Hee. I promised to update this place every day. THAT worked out well.
I'm locked in "knowing that I need to do something but finding it hard to care" mode.
The Germans probably have a word for that. In fact.. the English probably do, and
it's just slipping my mind. I feel like a lot slips my mind. Whole conversations tend
to, lately.. not to mention that every day this week has simply run together.
I've been helpful for the Castle though, in my own slow little way. Written most of the
helpfiles I should've done, fixed up some stuff in the Castle itself.. (G trusts me enough
to let me handle that kind of thing, now!) and worked more on my area. Productivity!
Hee. I wonder what I've been hiding from?
One of the conversations I feel I've missed, is the one I feel I've had with my angel,
which would have prepared me for how complicated and confusing things were about
to get. I need reliability right now, and the last few days, we haven't provided that to
eachother. Hell. I need dependency. ;p It's amazing how much I'm affected by her
absence. I'm a totally different person at times, and I don't want to be. I want to be
able to rely on me too. Oh hold on. This is what I always say. Let's stop this flow here.
Derf derf. Me me me. *hushes Elepix*
It's my fault. I haven't been thinking about her as much as I could have been. Certainly
less than at first. I should start doing that again. Oh, and the walks! They go together!
Duh, me. I'm glad I have this place. It lets me talk to myself sensibly. Hee hee..
She's upset, but either there's nothing I can do, or I upset her and she's not talking.
I don't like either option, of course. .\
May 10th/11th/12th '04
-----------------------
too tired.
Sorry. That's it. Kinda lied to my girly about not being tired, and so this is how I
end up.. IE, the LIVING DEAD. Also, had plenty of people to comfort and console
today so I just feel stupid ill, and tired. I'm shaking and weak. Need to hold on to
her, but she's just as busy fixing things. Feel for her too, although she seems a
little happier right now. Want to fall asleep in her lap. Ideally. That would be nice.
Promise to update this every day from now on. Lazy pixie.
Oh! Also, still pissed off about not having any sound! Makes me want to cry.
And even if I had sound, I still need to download all my music again, as well
as to find something I can use to make my own music with.. *much sighing*
It seems I'm whining a lot.
I have my pillars of support though, and I'm doing well. I trust and I'm trusted.
I'm getting used to feeling like this. It's still daunting.. but.. feels so right. Home.
Oh, and finally.. my angel is ALWAYS right. I should have gone to bed. I feel
content that I've helped some people today, but I always forget to help myself.
Especially when I absorb a little pain from someone else. So, I learned something.
She loves me and knows what's best for me! xD
May 8th/9th/10th '04
---------------------
I was about to do some swearing about how lazy I've been with this, lately. But
that's not really true. Being with her just entrances me, almost completely. I find
myself just sitting and staring, powerless but blissfully happy. It's very tranquil.
Usually.
Yesterday, she needed me to be there to support her, and I did well. I was pleased
that she could genuinely rely on me. I was surprised at myself, for forcing myself to
be mature. I'm good at sympathetic, and sometimes I'm even warm.. but it usually
comes accompanied by my giggling, and all other forms of silliness. That particular
time, I was able to relax, and by relaxing myself, I relaxed her. I helped her. I know.
Today, though.. I've been powerless. She's going through more than I can comprehend,
and I can't seem to find the words to help her through it. I don't even know if there are
any words that would work, today.. or even if there are any words for what she's having
to deal with right now. (she says I should be a writer, but she knows I just.. can't.. find.. words.)
I feel useless, and it's hard to hide it. I can just see myself frustrating her more. She
doesn't want to be negative around me, and I'm the same. But.. I feel that if we both
feel bad, in ways that we normally wouldn't discuss, then we're an exception, and we
can be understanding, patient, and help each other through the secret pains. Today,
I just haven't felt that. I blame me. She blames herself. We both suffer double.
And really, I'm scared about not being able to comfort her. What if I never work out
what to say? I've been worrying that she just might not come back, although truly
I know that we have a much stronger bond than that. I want to cry now. Goodnight.
May 7th/8th '04
---------------
Think I could be out on the streets as soon as tomorrow.. but I'm giggling like
a silly pixie. I still need to pull my head out of the clouds, but.. what I've been
waiting for has finally happened to me. I have reliability. A future. A true love.
Angel.. is truly the right name for her. Not many people have names that fit so well.
Because she really has saved me. She touched me with a beautiful analogy, and
explained how I was trapped as I was. I didn't even want to let go of her, after that.
Of course, no need to let go. I have a place with her, forever.
And then, when she went to rest, she seemed to think that she'd left me without
a smile. Adore her. Amazes me a little; how could she affirm my life so completely
and then try to apologize about it? It's a sweet madness that we both share..
This is quite hard today. Usually it's easy. You see? I'm the same as her! She
struggles to put my mind at rest, and to console me, and to give me hope, and
as soon as she's not looking, I stir up lots of little uncertainties and worry myself
to pieces over them. I'm quite quite sure she's the same. We're so special.
Another beautiful coincidence happened today, in that strange "fate knows" way.
Hard to explain, but I know, and she knows, and it involved an Angel, another
angel.. and some angels. o:) Just another sign that we have a special connection.
*purrs*
I have her for life. It took me a moment to take that in. Happy thoughts.
May 5th/6th/7th '04
-------------------
Didn't forget, yesterday. I just knew this would be a feature-length episode.
..(except I just deleted it all)
Thinking about her calms me down, a lot. She's asleep right now, but we have that
link.. just, becoming aware of that soothes me. In a daydream like state, I found
myself imagining our heads together. A whirlpool in each mind, one clockwise, one
anti-clockwise.. put them together and they cancel.. no, not cancel. They make
the stream flow beautifully and truly. Nothing is cancelled, everything is just shared.
I wonder if she'd call me silly if I said that to her. No. She'd understand.. perfectly.
I subconsciously chose water, which is meaningful, and that reinforces how I feel..
We both believe in fate. It sounds trite, and kind of.. Pratchett.. but.. fate believes in us
back. o.) I'm going to go now, as I've written myself into a good place. Happy thoughts.
May 4th/5th '04
---------------
Very tired. Haven't let anyone know precisely how exhausted I am, just yet. Maybe
I should go to bed right after I finish this.. but I know I won't. I'll stay up and complain
about being tired instead. You can count on that. .)
It's quite a cold night, so right now in my head, I'm sitting with her in front of a blazing
fire, resting my head against hers and slowly drifting off. *purr purr* I wonder if she
can tell. Of course.. I have plenty of things to wonder about right now.
Been somewhat useful today, in the Castle.. and it's the sort of useful that has an
immediate effect, rather than my usual "useful" which involves writing down a list
of unfeasible ideas and then forgetting to send it to Grumble. *takes a bow*
Working with Keega Keeg should be nice and interesting. Always wanted the chance..
although it felt odd just throwing myself at him. Volunteering, me. Hah. I always wait
for the opportunity. Weird. I'm being changed, but I'm willing to go through with it. :)
All for tonight. *rubs eyes*
May 3rd/4th '04
---------------
I'm laying traps for myself. Getting myself involved with a lot too much at once.
Subconsciously distracting myself with lots and lots of projects. After all.. I'd much
rather work for a fantasy world than a real one. Oh, yes.. working for people that
share my somewhat silly sense of humour would be a lovely plus, too. Of course,
people online could never.. commit the sort of horrible things that the real-life..
Anyway. Hatred of people aside. .)
My girlie is in a bad way today. I should snuggle up with her and try and make her
feel better. I know I can do that. Also, in the mood I'm in, I feel I should steal a kiss,
too. o.) I wonder if I should talk about that here. I have been thinking about it, a little.
I love her, truly. And.. well, she's a sexy person. *bites lip* It's different this time.
I know we'll never fight, although we may argue in fun. Plus, we're quite intertwined
already, and I know we're going to develop quite the unique relationship, in time..
I'm amazed at myself. I thought I'd have embarrased myself already. o.)
I've decided that I'm not going to talk about it anymore, today. Nini.
May 2nd/3rd '04
---------------
Purr purr. I have a computer now. After all my fretting, I have a little measure
of reliability back. *thinks* Another measure of reliability. Sorry, girlie. o:)
Although.. what am I supposed to do with a computer running Linux? *looks sunk..*
A few people said that it'd be a good learning experience, and it'd help me with
finding work.. so basically I can't back out, already. ;p Ah well. It would be nice
to truly learn something, for a change. A lot of my enlightenments are directly
followed by absent-mindedness, hee hee hee, and equally by..
Wait. That makes no sense. Ahoy, silly mood.
I did some dispelling yesterday, just after I wrote what I wrote, and I came to
realize that being promoted, or not, wasn't really what I wanted in the first place.
I'm there primarily for the morts. They love me. Sometimes they surprise me back.
So.. I feel silly for being as caught up in it as I was, and I'm making up for it
in stupidity and happy, oblivious irrelevance. Uau!!!!! *diversifies*
That's not to say I haven't been busy. Oh no no no. I have lots of projects in mind
for the castle, and some of it has already made it as far as notepad!
Wait. KWrite.
This is going to be stupid hard to keep track of.
May 1st/2nd '04
---------------
Oh. I'm still an Archangel.
It's strange. I felt I was worth more. Of course.. it's only lately that I've
been trying to help the place out, so promotions aren't just going to fall into
my lap, and also, Grumble needs to be able to rely on me. I'm enthusiastic for
the place, but I miss deadlines, and sometimes I'm on the other side of a debate.
Also.. I don't think he likes my style. I've been there for a long time, yet I'm
quite the unknown there, honestly. Acknowledged only for my continual prescence
and whining. Objectively. Although.. I'm still crushed, and disappointed.
Gah. No-one's fault.
Nothing else really happened today. We're way, way more broke than I thought.
My parents are struggling from week to week. So.. now would be a good time to
not start any fights, and to grab a handful of realism. Or.. to get thrown out
on the street.. that could be a plan, too. I have to remain optimistic, though,
as pessimism could be the death of me any day now. Got to work. There.
I've got to WORK.
It will be.. a hard transition.
May '04
-------
Hasn't been an awful lot of betterment, just yet. Had a lot of bad luck, and a
little clump of do-nothing days, all in a pretty row. A lot of fantasising and
daydreaming in my own inimitable style throw in too, and that's safely a week
gone by with minimal.. effort. I appear to have left my keyboard. Going AFK. ;P
Right now I'm trying to explain emotions that I don't fully understand, to a
certain someone who it affects. Vagueness, woo. Important, though. I'm doing
some concentrating, kinda nervous as to where it's leading. I know that I'll
feel a little different whatever the outcome. This is exactly the sort of
situation that scares this pixie. Something to do with change. Progress, maybe?
Hee. Some sort of Angel Meeting thing soon. Means, in addition to everything
else I have to try and control, I need to keep my hopes DOWN. ;P Really. I'm
fragile. You can't lead me and then drop me. I'd be crushed. Need to be nurtured.
And warned in advance. Of course.. maybe there won't be promotions at all. Hee hee.
And they do need my input, those other staff members. For what it's worth.
The Day After, April '04
------------------------
Less worried now. She's alright, basically. I'm alright too, basically.
So there you go. This is just a short update. Thix pixie is working on getting
a makeshift computer together.. hopping from computer to computer is extremely
frustrating, and makes for an angry pixie.. one which is harder to track down,
at times. So, um, that's it, really. Basically. xD This will get better.
Sometime in April '04
---------------------
This pixie isn't neglecting this place. Just having lots of computer troubles
right now. Very frustrated. Missing people, one in particular. Missing my music,
other people's music, and just.. everything. Feeling like something bad's going
to happen tomorrow.. no idea what, but I'm usually right about these things.
Money's a strain, and so is life. Going to have to spend a lot of time watching
ducks and hanging out at the library to soothe myself, these coming weeks. Can't
really afford antihistamines, although the ice lollipops work just as well.
Need a real job, and I need someone else to do it for me. I'm in no mental state
to be bossed around, and I know that I'd let people know that, if pushed.
Ho hum. Don't want to go without saying something positive..
I'm still loved. In love. *purrs* It's strained, and stop-start, but it's there.
This life isn't so tragic. It can't dip UNDER zero.. but I'm so accustomed to
daydreaming that anything more ambitious is going to be.. oh so hard.
17th/18th of April '04
----------------------
A word of advice: try not to think about flies while you're eating. I managed to
just now.. somehow.. and, um.. bye bye food.
Another word of advice: everything makes more sense the following day. Looking
back at what I wrote yesterday, I wish I'd remembered that, then. So reactionary
and impressionable.. confusable, at times. I'm still a very dizzy pixie, and one
that should read everything twice. Have to keep my presense of mind. It doesn't do
to forget how much people trust you, and how much you trust them. Things like..
yesterday result. Embarrassed at myself.
I'm not bad luck to her, not at all.
She's feeling much better today, so, so am I. For some reason, as I typed that, I
became of every little tiny ache and pain in my body. Life's becoming quite the
frustrating, inexplicable experience, but it is leaving me with a smile on my face.
Oh, heehee. Me, me, me, again. I suppose it's my only writing perspective. I can
only feel everyone else. And.. if I'm greedy, and tend to talk about myself, then..
so be it. This is the perfect place to do it.. and she understands that.
I was going to try to end this with a joke about making a cup of coffee for ten
years straight, but it's probably not necessary. Hee hee.. raised by a cup of coffee..
*giggles inanely*
Oh wow, last things last. I sat and wrote down some more ideas. They aren't that
awe-inspiring or anything, just.. seem.. sensible.. to me. Why aren't these already
in effect? ;) Oh right.. it's because I never cared before. :\ Time to start doing
things for the place I love. Ok. Click this. Ni ni, pixinappers.
16th/17th of April '04
----------------------
I'm doing this all wrong. Lost confidence in my ability to help people, today..
Doing a lot of sympathy crying, and it's not enough. Today isn't about me, it's
about my.. my.. I worry about her infinite patience. I worry about the stress
that she's building up. I worry that I bring her bad luck. Maddeningly, I know
she'd feel bad about making me worry so. That's too bad, today. I'm worried sick.
I hurt her by being so clumsy, and with my confusion, and with my tongue-tiedness.
Right now she has enough things to deal with.. so I should back off. It's hard,
and it makes me feel neglectful of her. This empath is still learning. A little
too slowly for her. I still don't know how to handle situations like these, and
it makes me think I shouldn't be handling them at all.. but then I want her to know
that she can rely on me.. and.. and.. *collapses*
15th/16th of April '04
----------------------
lol. Just been a really stupid day.. this pixie has been saying all sorts of things
that it never would normally. Believe it or not, it's hard to convince someone in
a Yahoo forum that you're royalty. Believe me. They're like.. "umm, kay" and that's
just frustrating. Play along, people of the world! Really.
In other news, there is no other news. This day has been a complete waste. Had a
walk and then ate too much to cancel it out. Got a cold just to emulate some other
girlie who insisted on having one too. *such* a trendsetter. Then I got to find out
how bad I am at word games to finish an eventless evening.
Seriously for a minute. Been feeling zoned out of CA today, for a few reasons. I
should try harder to keep myself afloat in that sea of mixed emotions. Hee, hee. Sea
of mixed emotions. Why did I say that?
It's a pirate thing. You wouldn't understand.
Haha, ok. I admit it. This is one of those self-perpetuated highs that I get when
I'm trying to keep my mind off certain things. It's not going to allow me to write
them here, either. They'll stay in my head for another day and then I'll be back to
the usual mellow, caring Pixie that doesn't proposition random unfamiliar people for
cybersex in chatrooms. lol.
Lol more still.
14th/15th of April '04
----------------------
Wow. It's hard to think of something to write here today. I don't know. All my
worries have gone away again. I'm quite the yoyo.
A certain, wonderful girlie says I can't type anything into CA until I've finished
writing this, and then I'm going to bed. By order of Faerie Dust. So obviously I'm
going to sit here and stall pretty much endlessly. Ho hum. *twiddles thumbs*
Hey, I know! I'll talk about ME! xD Ok, I'm in one of these silly moods again,
as you can see. Tried to make someone as happy as they make me, today, and I think
it worked. I'm getting good at this. And by this, I mean.. displaying my feelings,
and showing how I care about people. I can get better though.
Plenty of time to get better in. :)
Oh yeah, yeah! Yeah. I feel really ill. *laughs* I ate too much. I'm not saying I
received bad advice or anything. My fault, I think. Anyway.. it's one of those sorts
of ill, where I can feel it, but I don't care, because I'm in a silly mood and won't
let it defeat me. Someone I love feels ill, too. It could just be a sympathy thing.
Ye gods. This looks awful. No poetic adjectives. No inference to any private jokes
or any emo-stylee despair. Hee hee. Looks like someone else wrote it.
Be better tomorrow.
13th/14th of April '04
----------------------
Looks like I'll be relying on other people to save my life again. One day I'll
move away from my Princess Toadstool-ism. Soon, maybe. I know that I don't want
to disappoint people anymore, especially as those who care the most, are those
who I care about the most. I should celebrate the love around me and achieve.
Did that sound right? *giggles*
A certain someone from CA tells me of the fights he's had. Tells me he's quite
a peaceful guy, too. Helps me put my problems into perspective.. I'm never in a
life-threatening situation. Sometimes I'm in danger of being homeless, but I have
friends that would help me through that. *laughs* I always hear what people say
in terms of how it helps me. I'm *so* greedy like that. Too late to stop that.
Actually.. I'm worried about something else too, but it's a little too personal
for even me to read. It can stay in my mind for now. Tomorrow I'll discuss it, in
a sort of poetic, vague way. :) Ok. Night night everyone. xD
12th/13th of April '04
----------------------
Super tired collapsoyawn. I can't even pretend I'm not shattered, today..
Been ill and busy and in love and hungry all day, and it's quite the exhausting
combination.. I feel I've taken on a little more than I can really handle. I have
a hand to hold through it all, I hope.
I have to find £20 by tomorrow evening. Shit. I thought I'd bought myself a little
time by being patient and useful for my parents. Of course, I didn't. :\ My act was
probably a little too obvious. I have no chance of getting the money, so we'll see
what happens. I can't start expecting the worst now, because that just doesn't fit
in with my current plan. She has plans for me, too, and I can't ler her down.
I had a song to post up here but I'm too tired to turn it into a midi file. Oh well.
You can wait another day, I'm sure. *thinks* and that's one thing I'm trying not to
worry about. I'm sure it'll all be fine.. I have to play the odds right now.
11th/12th of April '04
----------------------
Interesting day. Survived a family meal by cooking it instead of being at the
table for it. I'm using THAT plan again! So the rest of the day was chocolate
and boredom, which are the two important centres of my life. I've had a lot of
quiet time over the weekend, and tomorrow's really where I have to start being
more confident and open. I think I can do it with the support I have.
Luckily, my mind is at rest. I'm sure I'd be frantic, and stranded, had this
happened at any other time. As it is, it's just a challenge. There's something
powerful about treating everything as a challenge, perhaps. I should have learned
to do this years ago.. but I'm the sort of person who needs to be taught.
Even more luckily, I have the most talented and patient teacher..
10th/11th of April '04
----------------------
Bad day. It's all my fault. A very sweet, knowing person says that it's time I
forced myself into reality, and that's good advice. If I can stay safe with my
money and keep myself motivated, then I can get some stuff done. Getting a bank
account and getting a job are really urgent, now. Of course.. they've been urgent
for years, but they've been brought to my attention. Hee hee.
She's a beautiful, shining star.
I'm trying to stay positive though.. self-disgust is self-obsession, honey! xD
I'm confident that I can make something of myself. It's a late start, but..
In other news, I'm feeling healthier. All from thinking happier thoughts. Again,
that's down to a certain, special person. xD There are no words to describe how
I feel. Love is closest. *blushes and goes all quiet*
9th/10th of April '04
---------------------
Grabbed another walk, so I'm relatively healthy. CA really is getting very, well,
interesting now. It's cos we have a radiant set of players, I'm sure. :) I feel
myself being more willing to help simply because the place is coming alive again,
and I'm sure others do, too. I helped through a couple of newbies today, and helped
to scare a couple more away. xD But they're coming quick. Let's fill the place up.
It hasn't even been a week since Tuesday. *giggles to herself.
Worried about money. I know you don't want to read this, but I need to type it, to
admit it. I just have no cash at all. I'll be selling stuff to stay alive for as
long as it takes me to get back on track. It's a scary time but there's no way I'm
telling anyone unless they ask me first. Of course, I breezed past the official
suicide bridge so I can't be that bad off. I'll muddle through somehow, probably
by accident.. I have a very special person as my life support now. I need her much
more than she realizes.. or, maybe she knows exactly how valuable she is to me, and
is as humble as I try to be. I certainly can't ask. xD
I'm typing this while that guy out of Korn cries into my ear, so it could be a tiny
bit desperate and overblown, heehee. Everyone knows I always bounce back, or at
least pretend to.
Oh, yeah. Made better friends with Zela. :) She's a little like me; eager to cheer up
other people, while being guilty of being depressed herself. She has some different
methods, but I think I'm right. Ok.. that's all. :)
8th/9th of April '04
--------------------
I've been quite the attentive and helpful pixie today. Lots of people have come
to me to talk about various things, and I think I cheered them all up. :) It's a
wonderful feeling, but it's most exhausting.
I didn't manage to cheer EVERYONE up, though. Oh well. I'm still an apprentice
empath. *giggles* I'll be doing much better in a week, I guarantee it. Observant
people will notice my extra confidence. Thank you, observant people. o:)
I've been able to talk to people more openly, about a lot of different things, and
this is weird, but a lot of people intimidate me, in different ways, and make me
uneasy, and choosy of my words. That didn't really happen today. Night night.
7th/8th of April '04
--------------------
I went for a walk today, partially to get myself away from a computer screen,
partially to keep myself awake. I encountered a brief hailstorm; it went first
on initiative, but I soaked all the damage. Then it ran out of willpower and had
to retreat. Soon I'll be level 3.
I loved White Wolf.
Some delightful person will be even more delighted that I'm rested and fed. Maybe
other people care too, hey? I think people come and look at this place occasionally.
I'm honoured. They were probably looking for pictures, but I take any interest I
can get, really.
One person who maybe reads this is Slick from CA. He's my noo fwiend. It wouldn't
have happened had I not been in this magical mood of mine.. but I'm glad it did.
His brother is cute. That's a joke. *giggles* I'll stop here.
6th/7th of April '04
--------------------
Growing more psychic by the day, by the way. I'm lit up like a beacon now and
it's all down to that one person. I look like a mess though, as I've been sleeping
erraticaly. Erratically. Erraticly? All those. THE ESTEEMED Grumble is relying
on me a little, lately, so I'm doing something right. One thing right a day is
fine, and I'm even beating that this week. I've been in the mood to make friends
and take risks since Sunday, so I think I will. I can't elaborate on that, because
I have no idea what I'm talking about right now.
Yay me!
This makes no sense. *laughs* Ok.. I do need to have a real bank account, very
soon I think. I mostly use cash, so it's no use when it's all floating around in
the sky, or.. however the internet works. lol I'm in an entirely too silly mood
to be doing this, so I'll stop right.. about.. now.
5th/6th of April '04
--------------------
Today's been strangely subdued.. not quite depressing, just slow.. like treacle.
Well.. not much like treacle, really. That's not to say I'm not in a good mood,
of course.. I have a lot of enthusiasm and happiness to surf on right now. I'm
finding it fun to play lower level characters on CA and forget the repetitive
higher level fighting stuff.. it's nice to rediscover skills, and even nicer when
you have such wonderful people to share them with. When I finish writing this, I'm
going to sign up for an online money-making thing. I have enough trust and good-
will right now to not dismiss them all as scams. My luck will pick me the right
one, and my new found enthusiasm will push me to actually support myself for once.
It's a breakthrough. Elepix has reached level 2.
4th/5th of April '04
--------------------
Apparently people other than me look at this place. That's lovely, and oh so
slightly disconcerting to a pixie like me. I suppose a little attention couldn't
hurt.. or if it hurts, it's the sort of hurts that I don't mind. Hee hee.. Elepix has been good and busy; she filled in a WHOLE ROOM DESCRIPTION today,
and also threw together some beautiful random ideas into a beautiful collective
mess. Disorganization central. One other thing.. I'm rich now. Comparatively.
No need to name names, but you're wonderful. Truly. This little pixie is going
to use that money to make more money so she can finally stop worrying from week
to week. My faith in humanity and friendship is once again restored. It never
takes much but my good faith has to be renewed once in a while. This time, it's
been renewed for about five whole years. Head over heels right now and if this
is a stream of consciousness that makes no sense except to two people, then so
be it. *giggles*
I swore yesterday. That's weird. I tend to avoid doing so. *frowns* This little
pixie promises herself to clean up her act. Must be civil and approachable, it's
all I have. Apart from my new found riches. We're circular now so I'll end it here.
3rd/4th of April '04
--------------------
My wrists are fucked. When I start doing this survey taking online job thing,
I'm going to be worrying about how they feel.. they're on fire right now. And
everything I enjoy doing is done using my wrists and hands - playing keyboard
and drums, mudding, drawing and playing games. I suppose I could give them a
rest while I'm doing the other things I enjoy.. *ponders*
Oh yes. Walking. Sleeping. Eating. There's variety, heehee. Of course.. I'm
never healthy, so this should just be one of those things that I should be
worrying about, but don't. I'm still in a relatively good mood so there'll be
no moping from this pixie, today. Well, maybe a little.
I need to post some files up here, as otherwise it's just a glorified 'blog,
which no-one reads. I'll get composing.
2nd/3rd of April '04
--------------------
Made really good friends with Symanta on CA today. I'm happy, and I'll be happy
for a long while yet. Looking back, the depressing stuff I wrote yesterday seems
somewhat silly. Heehee. That's not to say my life isn't in tatters, of course,
but right now, I'm at that happy point where I acknowledge it, but don't care
a bit. :)
Have fun everyone. I will too. See you tomorrow.
1st/2nd of April '04
--------------------
Added the PayPal donation icon to this pigsty. I'm desperate and it shows.
I became acutely aware just how whiny and self-centered I am earlier today,
and it's kind of frightening. I try to be someone who people can be comfortable
around, and even though I'll never be a talker, I still try to be a listener..
lately I seem to have moved away from that, and become neither. Which is bad!
Also I need to curb my laziness. It's out of control. There must be very few
people in the world who have squandered as many opportunities as I have..
Castle Arcanum wise, I realised I suck at trivia. I'm not going to stoop to
telling myself to get out more, but perhaps I should try to take things in..
I'm an oblivious kinda pixie, and my world is primarily in my head, but perhaps
a little worldly knowledge would.. well, would..
I don't know what it'd achieve, but I know I need some of it, and fast.
Haha. Even this thing always come straight back to me. Me, me, me.
Perhaps venting here will mean that I don't have to vent to other people, so
that I can become my old, approachable self. We'll see. Give me money. :\
31st of March/1st of April '04
------------------------------
Nothing much happened today. I did a little brainstorming over a few possible
improvements that could be made to various parts of the Castle Arcanum combat
system, and then deleted them all because I realised it was kinda pointless..
A lot of the changes to the mud will have to be in the players minds - when
we've made a lot of players paranoid about change, that's a dangerous position.
The remap and the 999 level system were both great coding projects
but maybe it's put us on a path that leads in the wrong direction. Or at least
a direction not to my tastes. Perhaps it's an acquired taste..
I'll go group with the morts more before I set my mind on anything specific.
Also, I get the feeling that my ideas aren't taken entirely seriously, 'cause
A) I come up with way too many, B) I can't code, and C), some of my opinions
are kind of wacky and leftish and I argue with Omega about combat. Ok, C) was
a lot bigger than the other two.
Hell, you weren't expecting a real-life diary, were you?
30/31st of March '04
--------------------
Threw this place together. It's basic, and it will probably always be basic.
Ho hum. I'm going to use this place as a on-off diary and a place to keep a
few choice files - songs, pictures, Doom levels, and anything else I decide
to put here. I'll update everyday with something or other, simply to keep
this lazy pixie productive.
This is a registered trademark of Pixiloo productions.
Any reproduction or replication of this product is punishable under penalty of law.
